Domestic Abuse Misconception #31: Domestic abuse just isn't that prevalent or that serious. I saved this one for last. Domestic abuse is incredibly widespread. A woman is twice as likely to be abused than to get breast cancer. One out of every four women is or has been in an abusive relationship. So if you are sitting in church and there are 100 women there, 25 women have or are experiencing or will experience domestic abuse.
Sure, you say, domestic abuse is bad and all but it doesn't get really bad very often, does it?
The fact of the matter is that domestic abuse can, and often does, turn deadly. The numbers are horrifying. One graphic I found, with numbers from the FBI, showed that between September 10, 2001 and June 6, 2012 11,766 women were murdered by husbands and boyfriends. This was more than the deaths during that time frame in the War on Terror (deaths on US soil (9/11), troops in Afghanistan, troops in Iraq) combined.
There are some truly terrifying statistics. Pregnant women are at much higher risk for homicide. The presence of a gun in domestic violence raises the risk of homicide 500%. Intimate partners are not the only ones in danger. Family members, friends, law enforcement, and even strangers have been killed along with the intended victim. And, as I shared in Misconception #8, 75% of homicides occur while the victim is seeking to leave the relationship or in the weeks or months after she has left.
Domestic abuse is a serious, serious problem and a life or death issue. Here is a link to more information on domestic abuse and homicides.
(Note: In all of my posts I use "he" for abuser and "she" for victim for simplicity and because, in the majority of cases, the abuser is male. But it can be the opposite with a female abuser. Dynamics of abuse can also happen in same sex relationships.)
Wednesday, October 31, 2018
Tuesday, October 30, 2018
Domestic Abuse Misconception #30
Domestic Abuse Misconception #30: Religious beliefs and scripture will always be used to encourage and comfort the victim. Oh, people! It is just not so.
Most people understand that domestic abuse sometimes does include physical abuse. Hopefully most now understand that it always includes emotional abuse as well as financial abuse. Domestic abuse can also include sexual abuse, resulting in a victim's inability to say no, or at times resulting in flat out rape. But many people don't understand that there can also be spiritual abuse.
Spiritual abuse happens with the person with the power uses specific religious ideology or scripture (often out of context) to maintain control over the victim and to coerce the victim into some activity.
It is common for an abuser to demand obedience and submission to demand power over his victim. He might also demand forgiveness and reconciliation, emphasizing the sacredness of marriage vows. He might use scripture to his own advantage. He might use the words of faith to manipulate and give the appearance of repentance and transformation, pulling the wool of the eyes of both victim and onlookers.
But spiritual abuse doesn't just happen between the abuser and his victim. If the victim's church becomes involved in the situation, the same dynamic can take place, in effect, giving the victim a double dose of abuse.
As I discussed in Misconception #14, uninformed and ill-equipped churches are rarely a safe place for victims of abuse. Churches carry their own authority with them. Pastors and elders speak of their spiritual authority over their flock. Victims are beaten down and unsure of themselves and, at this point, very vulnerable to others telling them what to do. It is a perfect storm.
Here are some of the ways (and there are so many more) church leaders or members can use religious ideas and scripture in ways that are harmful to anyone, but especially to victims of domestic abuse:
-Forcing the couple to meet together.
-Treating the abuse problem as a marital problem.
-Demanding the victim examine her heart and confess her sin which is causing the abuse.
-Telling the victim she needs to be meeting the abuser's needs by having more sex with him.
-Commanding forgiveness from the victim and reconciliation with the abuser.
-Insisting the victim get help only from "approved" therapists and community groups.
-Telling the victim it is God's will that she suffer emotional and physical harm at the hands of her abuser.
-Threatening church discipline if the victim refuses to comply with their demands regarding her relationship with the abuser.
When those who claim belief in God then use those beliefs to get and maintain control over another, it is abuse. And it isn't only abuse, it is a slap in the face of God because it is a blatant lie about his character and who he is. He is not a God of oppression but of safety and freedom.
Here is a good article that spells out spiritual abuse.
(Note: In all of my posts I use "he" for abuser and "she" for victim for simplicity and because, in the majority of cases, the abuser is male. But it can be the opposite with a female abuser. Dynamics of abuse can also happen in same sex relationships.)
Most people understand that domestic abuse sometimes does include physical abuse. Hopefully most now understand that it always includes emotional abuse as well as financial abuse. Domestic abuse can also include sexual abuse, resulting in a victim's inability to say no, or at times resulting in flat out rape. But many people don't understand that there can also be spiritual abuse.
Spiritual abuse happens with the person with the power uses specific religious ideology or scripture (often out of context) to maintain control over the victim and to coerce the victim into some activity.
It is common for an abuser to demand obedience and submission to demand power over his victim. He might also demand forgiveness and reconciliation, emphasizing the sacredness of marriage vows. He might use scripture to his own advantage. He might use the words of faith to manipulate and give the appearance of repentance and transformation, pulling the wool of the eyes of both victim and onlookers.
But spiritual abuse doesn't just happen between the abuser and his victim. If the victim's church becomes involved in the situation, the same dynamic can take place, in effect, giving the victim a double dose of abuse.
As I discussed in Misconception #14, uninformed and ill-equipped churches are rarely a safe place for victims of abuse. Churches carry their own authority with them. Pastors and elders speak of their spiritual authority over their flock. Victims are beaten down and unsure of themselves and, at this point, very vulnerable to others telling them what to do. It is a perfect storm.
Here are some of the ways (and there are so many more) church leaders or members can use religious ideas and scripture in ways that are harmful to anyone, but especially to victims of domestic abuse:
-Forcing the couple to meet together.
-Treating the abuse problem as a marital problem.
-Demanding the victim examine her heart and confess her sin which is causing the abuse.
-Telling the victim she needs to be meeting the abuser's needs by having more sex with him.
-Commanding forgiveness from the victim and reconciliation with the abuser.
-Insisting the victim get help only from "approved" therapists and community groups.
-Telling the victim it is God's will that she suffer emotional and physical harm at the hands of her abuser.
-Threatening church discipline if the victim refuses to comply with their demands regarding her relationship with the abuser.
When those who claim belief in God then use those beliefs to get and maintain control over another, it is abuse. And it isn't only abuse, it is a slap in the face of God because it is a blatant lie about his character and who he is. He is not a God of oppression but of safety and freedom.
Here is a good article that spells out spiritual abuse.
(Note: In all of my posts I use "he" for abuser and "she" for victim for simplicity and because, in the majority of cases, the abuser is male. But it can be the opposite with a female abuser. Dynamics of abuse can also happen in same sex relationships.)
Domestic Abuse Misconception #29
Domestic Abuse Misconception #29: Once the victim leaves, she won't go back. That would seem logical, wouldn't it? It is so hard to leave you would think that once a victim got up the courage to leave that she would run far, far away, never to return. Sadly, that is just not the case.
A victim leave her abuser and then returns to him on seven times on average before she leaves for good. Why on earth would she do that? There are a lot of reasons, really.
Lets start with fear. Fear for her and her children's safety. There is financial need. There are the promises of change from the abuser. There is the pressure from others to return and reconcile, especially if the abuser has enlisted Flying Monkeys (Misconception #18) and/or the victim is part of a church that believes that reconciliation is always the desired (or required) outcome.
Sometimes victims return because the abuse is all they know. They are, in a way, addicted to the adrenaline rush of the up and down. They don't know how to function without it. Some say that the victim suffers from Stockholm Syndrome and identifies with and has an unhealthy attachment to her abuser. And many victims have such a low view of themselves that they don't believe anybody else will ever love them. That the abuser is as good as it's gonna get. She will endure Mr. Hyde if she can only have Dr. Jekyll every so often.
It is absolutely heartbreaking to watch a victim that you love return to her abuser. The discouragement and helplessness are overwhelming. Yet remember that this is her decision and she will leave for when she is at the point of being ready to do so.
Here a victims explains her reasons for returning to her abuser before she left for good.
(Note: In all of my posts I use "he" for abuser and "she" for victim for simplicity and because, in the majority of cases, the abuser is male. But it can be the opposite with a female abuser. Dynamics of abuse can also happen in same sex relationships.)
A victim leave her abuser and then returns to him on seven times on average before she leaves for good. Why on earth would she do that? There are a lot of reasons, really.
Lets start with fear. Fear for her and her children's safety. There is financial need. There are the promises of change from the abuser. There is the pressure from others to return and reconcile, especially if the abuser has enlisted Flying Monkeys (Misconception #18) and/or the victim is part of a church that believes that reconciliation is always the desired (or required) outcome.
Sometimes victims return because the abuse is all they know. They are, in a way, addicted to the adrenaline rush of the up and down. They don't know how to function without it. Some say that the victim suffers from Stockholm Syndrome and identifies with and has an unhealthy attachment to her abuser. And many victims have such a low view of themselves that they don't believe anybody else will ever love them. That the abuser is as good as it's gonna get. She will endure Mr. Hyde if she can only have Dr. Jekyll every so often.
It is absolutely heartbreaking to watch a victim that you love return to her abuser. The discouragement and helplessness are overwhelming. Yet remember that this is her decision and she will leave for when she is at the point of being ready to do so.
Here a victims explains her reasons for returning to her abuser before she left for good.
(Note: In all of my posts I use "he" for abuser and "she" for victim for simplicity and because, in the majority of cases, the abuser is male. But it can be the opposite with a female abuser. Dynamics of abuse can also happen in same sex relationships.)
Sunday, October 28, 2018
Domestic Abuse Misconception #28
Domestic Abuse Misconception #28: Financial abuse just isn't that big of a deal. The reality is that, while financial abuse may not sound like a serious issue, it has a huge impact on a victim's life, ability to leave an abusive relationship, and ability to start a new life away from her abuser.
Financial abuse, or economic abuse, is almost always present when there are other forms of abuse. The National Coalition Against Domestic Violence estimates that 94-99% of domestic abuse survivors have experience economic abuse.
Financial abuse happens when an abuser takes the victim's money, refuses to let the victim get a job, jeopardizes her ability to keep a job due to stalking and other abuse, refuses to let her get the education she needs to get a job, limits her access to money, hides income in separate accounts, takes out loans in her name, or forces the victim to pay for all necessities for both the abuser and the victim. Again, this is all done as a means of power and control.
The damage is huge. A victim who has no access to money has very few options. Most victims find they are unable to leave their abuser because of economic reasons. The ability to establish a new life, free from abuse, is particularly challenging when the abuser has run up huge bills in the victim's name and likely ruined her credit.
Please don't ever take financial abuse lightly. It may not seem as serious as physical abuse or emotional abuse but it is certainly destructive with the intention on limiting the victim's freedom.
Here is an article that discusses some of the challenges a victim may have when trying to move forward with her life.
(Note: In all of my posts I use "he" for abuser and "she" for victim for simplicity and because, in the majority of cases, the abuser is male. But it can be the opposite with a female abuser. Dynamics of abuse can also happen in same sex relationships.)
Financial abuse, or economic abuse, is almost always present when there are other forms of abuse. The National Coalition Against Domestic Violence estimates that 94-99% of domestic abuse survivors have experience economic abuse.
Financial abuse happens when an abuser takes the victim's money, refuses to let the victim get a job, jeopardizes her ability to keep a job due to stalking and other abuse, refuses to let her get the education she needs to get a job, limits her access to money, hides income in separate accounts, takes out loans in her name, or forces the victim to pay for all necessities for both the abuser and the victim. Again, this is all done as a means of power and control.
The damage is huge. A victim who has no access to money has very few options. Most victims find they are unable to leave their abuser because of economic reasons. The ability to establish a new life, free from abuse, is particularly challenging when the abuser has run up huge bills in the victim's name and likely ruined her credit.
Please don't ever take financial abuse lightly. It may not seem as serious as physical abuse or emotional abuse but it is certainly destructive with the intention on limiting the victim's freedom.
Here is an article that discusses some of the challenges a victim may have when trying to move forward with her life.
(Note: In all of my posts I use "he" for abuser and "she" for victim for simplicity and because, in the majority of cases, the abuser is male. But it can be the opposite with a female abuser. Dynamics of abuse can also happen in same sex relationships.)
Saturday, October 27, 2018
Domestic Abuse Misconception #27
Domestic Abuse Misconception #27: Taking a neutral position won't hurt anybody. Ah, the neutrality myth. And it is just that. A myth. Truth is that remaining neutral always helps the oppressor, the abuser.
I can see how many friends and family members and even pastors would want to take a neutral position. After all, their loyalty is to both parties. Most people don't want to have to pick sides.
Trying to maintain a neutral position sends a lot of messages. Neutrality tell the abuser that what he is doing just isn't that bad and that he can cause unspeakable damage with no relational consequences. It tells the victim that she must be partially at fault, otherwise you wouldn't be so on the fence. It tells her that you really don't believe her. It tells her that she is on her own.
Neutrality benefits no one other than the one who wishes to remain neutral and keep their hands from getting dirty. But unspeakable atrocities have been done while good people chose to turn a blind eye and look away and stay out of it and do nothing. Doing nothing always helps the abuser.
Jeff Crippen, one of the foremost authorities of domestic abuse and the church, has written this powerful article on the myth of neutrality and the damage it does.
(Note: In all of my posts I use "he" for abuser and "she" for victim for simplicity and because, in the majority of cases, the abuser is male. But it can be the opposite with a female abuser. Dynamics of abuse can also happen in same sex relationships.)
I can see how many friends and family members and even pastors would want to take a neutral position. After all, their loyalty is to both parties. Most people don't want to have to pick sides.
Trying to maintain a neutral position sends a lot of messages. Neutrality tell the abuser that what he is doing just isn't that bad and that he can cause unspeakable damage with no relational consequences. It tells the victim that she must be partially at fault, otherwise you wouldn't be so on the fence. It tells her that you really don't believe her. It tells her that she is on her own.
Neutrality benefits no one other than the one who wishes to remain neutral and keep their hands from getting dirty. But unspeakable atrocities have been done while good people chose to turn a blind eye and look away and stay out of it and do nothing. Doing nothing always helps the abuser.
Jeff Crippen, one of the foremost authorities of domestic abuse and the church, has written this powerful article on the myth of neutrality and the damage it does.
(Note: In all of my posts I use "he" for abuser and "she" for victim for simplicity and because, in the majority of cases, the abuser is male. But it can be the opposite with a female abuser. Dynamics of abuse can also happen in same sex relationships.)
Friday, October 26, 2018
Domestic Abuse Misconception #26
Domestic Abuse Misconception #26: The children will always side with the victim. Sadly, this is just not true. Children can end up siding with the abuser, making a heartbreaking situation even more heartbreaking for the victim.
Domestic abuse is a very complex dynamic and it only gets more complex when you throw children in the mix. At some point the victim can't take the abuse any longer and sets up boundaries or separates from her abuser. I want to deal a little more with what happens to the children if and when the parents separate.
I was surprised recently when a survivor of abuse told me that it is quite common for the children to side with the abuser. I have read many explanations for this. Perhaps the children are angry with the victim for "breaking up the family." Perhaps the children have identified where the power in the family is and they want to stay on the good side of the power. Perhaps the children don't even understand the abuse themselves because, to them, this is just normal family life, since they have nothing to compare it to. For many children the devil you know is better than the devil you don't, so together parents, even in the midst of abuse, are better than parents that are apart.
Perhaps one of the most common reasons that the children may side with the abuser is that he very well may be courting them to his side to maintain that power and control. If he can't control his partner firsthand, then he can do so through the children. This really is a hideous game of emotional chess, with children as pawns.
This is not to say that a victim should just stay put for the sake of the children. I touched on the impact that domestic abuse has on children in Misconception #22. The damage is pervasive and life long. This is to say that you cannot assume that the abuse isn't real if the children side with the abuser. This to call you to lend an extra hand of support to victims when they find that the children they love more than life are being used as weapons against them. This is to help you understand the intricate and difficult maze of dynamics that a victim must navigate in dealing with her abuser.
Read the following article and learn more.
(Note: In all of my posts I use "he" for abuser and "she" for victim for simplicity and because, in the majority of cases, the abuser is male. But it can be the opposite with a female abuser. Dynamics of abuse can also happen in same sex relationships.)
Domestic abuse is a very complex dynamic and it only gets more complex when you throw children in the mix. At some point the victim can't take the abuse any longer and sets up boundaries or separates from her abuser. I want to deal a little more with what happens to the children if and when the parents separate.
I was surprised recently when a survivor of abuse told me that it is quite common for the children to side with the abuser. I have read many explanations for this. Perhaps the children are angry with the victim for "breaking up the family." Perhaps the children have identified where the power in the family is and they want to stay on the good side of the power. Perhaps the children don't even understand the abuse themselves because, to them, this is just normal family life, since they have nothing to compare it to. For many children the devil you know is better than the devil you don't, so together parents, even in the midst of abuse, are better than parents that are apart.
Perhaps one of the most common reasons that the children may side with the abuser is that he very well may be courting them to his side to maintain that power and control. If he can't control his partner firsthand, then he can do so through the children. This really is a hideous game of emotional chess, with children as pawns.
This is not to say that a victim should just stay put for the sake of the children. I touched on the impact that domestic abuse has on children in Misconception #22. The damage is pervasive and life long. This is to say that you cannot assume that the abuse isn't real if the children side with the abuser. This to call you to lend an extra hand of support to victims when they find that the children they love more than life are being used as weapons against them. This is to help you understand the intricate and difficult maze of dynamics that a victim must navigate in dealing with her abuser.
Read the following article and learn more.
(Note: In all of my posts I use "he" for abuser and "she" for victim for simplicity and because, in the majority of cases, the abuser is male. But it can be the opposite with a female abuser. Dynamics of abuse can also happen in same sex relationships.)
Thursday, October 25, 2018
Domestic Abuse Misconception #25
Domestic Abuse Misconception #25: An abuser who claims he has changed has really changed and you should believe him and give him a chance. Sheesh! This is just not true. At all. Claims of change are usually just another tactic to get you back and keep you where he wants you.
I know this sounds like what I have already shared in so many of my previous 24 posts but I am saying it again because it cannot be said enough. This is so so SO very important for victims to know and it is so so SO important for other people to know. Abusers will often go to any length to get the victim back because, as we all know now, it is all about power and control.
I love this post I am sharing here. It is from the LaSalle Parish Sherriff's Office in Louisiana and here they describe five common tactics abusers use to try and convince their victims that they have changed and once you know these don't be surprised when you see them over and over and over again in the abuser. They are:
1. The Honeymoon Syndrome where an abuser tries to get the victim back by wooing her and courting her all over again. Flowers. Cards. Gifts. Professions of undying love. "I'm nothing without you." That sort of thing. Guard your heart.
2. The Super Parent Syndrome where an abuser who may have never showed interest in the kids or may have even been abusive to them all the sudden becomes Super Parent. Father of the Year. This does incredible damage to the kids who have been starving for the affection of that parent and think he really cares now when, in effect, they are strictly pawns in his game to maintain power and control.
3. The Revival Syndrome where an abuser claims to have had a religious experience and is now so close to God and ready to be the man God called him to be. This one is hard for so many in church circles because of our longing for a good redemption story. This is particularly hard when other people begin to push the victim to reconcile because her abuser is suddenly "a new creature in Christ." Repentance can only be proven over time and by fruit. Forgiveness is one thing. Trust is yet another.
4. The Sobriety Syndrome where an abuser claims he has gotten sober or clean and will never abuse a substance again. This, of course, comes with the assumption that the abuse is caused by the substance use. While substance abuse and domestic abuse may very well overlap, substance abuse does not cause domestic abuse. They have to be treated as separate issues. A sober abuser can easily still abuse.
5. The Counseling Syndrome where an abuser says he is getting counseling and wants marriage counseling. As I have already addressed in Misconception #3, marriage counseling is NEVER EVER recommended with abuse. And even individual counseling, for it to be effective, has to be done by somebody who is well trained in the dynamics of abuse.
Here is the link for the article. It is so important for victims to know what to expect when they set boundaries against the abuser so that they are not caught off guard with these tactics. Is it equally important for the friends, family, and supporters of the victim to know what to expect so that they do not naively encourage reconciliation based on the apparent changes in the abuser as he works these tactics.
(Note: In all of my posts I use "he" for abuser and "she" for victim for simplicity and because, in the majority of cases, the abuser is male. But it can be the opposite with a female abuser. Dynamics of abuse can also happen in same sex relationships.)
I know this sounds like what I have already shared in so many of my previous 24 posts but I am saying it again because it cannot be said enough. This is so so SO very important for victims to know and it is so so SO important for other people to know. Abusers will often go to any length to get the victim back because, as we all know now, it is all about power and control.
I love this post I am sharing here. It is from the LaSalle Parish Sherriff's Office in Louisiana and here they describe five common tactics abusers use to try and convince their victims that they have changed and once you know these don't be surprised when you see them over and over and over again in the abuser. They are:
1. The Honeymoon Syndrome where an abuser tries to get the victim back by wooing her and courting her all over again. Flowers. Cards. Gifts. Professions of undying love. "I'm nothing without you." That sort of thing. Guard your heart.
2. The Super Parent Syndrome where an abuser who may have never showed interest in the kids or may have even been abusive to them all the sudden becomes Super Parent. Father of the Year. This does incredible damage to the kids who have been starving for the affection of that parent and think he really cares now when, in effect, they are strictly pawns in his game to maintain power and control.
3. The Revival Syndrome where an abuser claims to have had a religious experience and is now so close to God and ready to be the man God called him to be. This one is hard for so many in church circles because of our longing for a good redemption story. This is particularly hard when other people begin to push the victim to reconcile because her abuser is suddenly "a new creature in Christ." Repentance can only be proven over time and by fruit. Forgiveness is one thing. Trust is yet another.
4. The Sobriety Syndrome where an abuser claims he has gotten sober or clean and will never abuse a substance again. This, of course, comes with the assumption that the abuse is caused by the substance use. While substance abuse and domestic abuse may very well overlap, substance abuse does not cause domestic abuse. They have to be treated as separate issues. A sober abuser can easily still abuse.
5. The Counseling Syndrome where an abuser says he is getting counseling and wants marriage counseling. As I have already addressed in Misconception #3, marriage counseling is NEVER EVER recommended with abuse. And even individual counseling, for it to be effective, has to be done by somebody who is well trained in the dynamics of abuse.
Here is the link for the article. It is so important for victims to know what to expect when they set boundaries against the abuser so that they are not caught off guard with these tactics. Is it equally important for the friends, family, and supporters of the victim to know what to expect so that they do not naively encourage reconciliation based on the apparent changes in the abuser as he works these tactics.
(Note: In all of my posts I use "he" for abuser and "she" for victim for simplicity and because, in the majority of cases, the abuser is male. But it can be the opposite with a female abuser. Dynamics of abuse can also happen in same sex relationships.)
Wednesday, October 24, 2018
Domestic Abuse Misconception #24
Domestic Abuse Misconception #24: Abuse is an adult problem. The truth is that one in three teenagers is the victim of some form of abuse by a dating partner. In fact, the 16-24 age range has the highest percentage of intimate partner violence.
This week I had the privilege of observing a Helpmate (our local domestic violence organization) staff member teaching ninth graders about relationships: healthy, unhealthy, and abusive. It was amazing and eye-opening. Some of these kids had already been in, or were currently in, abusive relationships.
I couldn't help but think of myself at that age...just how incredibly insecure I was. Eager for somebody, anybody, to sweep me off my feet and tell me they loved me. I was a sitting duck. An easy target for someone who could have exerted way more power and control in my life than was rightfully theirs.
It is, after all, such an incredibly vulnerable age. Braces and hormones and changing bodies and social standing...all that teenage angst rolled up into blue jean wearing, hoodie clad, walking acne factory.
Here are some statistics from the organization Love Is Respect that are staggering.
-1 in 10 high school students have been physically hurt by a dating partner
-Violent behavior often begins between ages 12-18 and when it begins at that young of an age it is more pervasive.
-Violent relationships put the victim at a higher risk for drug and alcohol abuse, risky sexual behavior, eating disorders, and future domestic violence.
-Being sexually or physically abused makes teen girls 6 times more likely to become pregnant and twice as likely to contract a sexually transmitted illness.
-Half of teens who have been physically abused and raped will attempt suicide.
-Only 33% of teens ever told anybody about the abuse.
It was fascinating to watch the students process the concepts of what are healthy vs. abusive characteristics of a dating partner, what consent actually is and isn't, when to leave a relationship, who to tell, how to break up, how to get help. It was encouraging to hear that some teens have actually chosen to break up from a violent dating partner in front of the school counselor. That the school counselor or social worker can help them make a safety plan. That the school actually works with the student to keep him or her safe, even when it may mean changing up schedules so the victim doesn't have to be in the same class with a violent ex (typically when a restraining order is involved).
It was encouraging to hear that there is support out there. That teens can call Helpmate and access all of Helpmate's resources, except the shelter, even if they are under 18. That with the organization Love Is Respect, a teen can call, text, or chat online with a peer counselor who can help.
When I spoke with the Helpmate staff who taught the class she said that she knows that this information isn't going to change the abuser but she hopes that it will change the culture of the other teens so that they are looking for red flags and have the courage to speak up and to support their friends who might be in abusive relationships.
Here is a link to Love Is Respect. I found this site to be full of great information.(Note: In all of my posts I use "he" for abuser and "she" for victim for simplicity and because, in the majority of cases, the abuser is male. But it can be the opposite with a female abuser. Dynamics of abuse can also happen in same sex relationships.)
This week I had the privilege of observing a Helpmate (our local domestic violence organization) staff member teaching ninth graders about relationships: healthy, unhealthy, and abusive. It was amazing and eye-opening. Some of these kids had already been in, or were currently in, abusive relationships.
I couldn't help but think of myself at that age...just how incredibly insecure I was. Eager for somebody, anybody, to sweep me off my feet and tell me they loved me. I was a sitting duck. An easy target for someone who could have exerted way more power and control in my life than was rightfully theirs.
It is, after all, such an incredibly vulnerable age. Braces and hormones and changing bodies and social standing...all that teenage angst rolled up into blue jean wearing, hoodie clad, walking acne factory.
Here are some statistics from the organization Love Is Respect that are staggering.
-1 in 10 high school students have been physically hurt by a dating partner
-Violent behavior often begins between ages 12-18 and when it begins at that young of an age it is more pervasive.
-Violent relationships put the victim at a higher risk for drug and alcohol abuse, risky sexual behavior, eating disorders, and future domestic violence.
-Being sexually or physically abused makes teen girls 6 times more likely to become pregnant and twice as likely to contract a sexually transmitted illness.
-Half of teens who have been physically abused and raped will attempt suicide.
-Only 33% of teens ever told anybody about the abuse.
It was fascinating to watch the students process the concepts of what are healthy vs. abusive characteristics of a dating partner, what consent actually is and isn't, when to leave a relationship, who to tell, how to break up, how to get help. It was encouraging to hear that some teens have actually chosen to break up from a violent dating partner in front of the school counselor. That the school counselor or social worker can help them make a safety plan. That the school actually works with the student to keep him or her safe, even when it may mean changing up schedules so the victim doesn't have to be in the same class with a violent ex (typically when a restraining order is involved).
It was encouraging to hear that there is support out there. That teens can call Helpmate and access all of Helpmate's resources, except the shelter, even if they are under 18. That with the organization Love Is Respect, a teen can call, text, or chat online with a peer counselor who can help.
When I spoke with the Helpmate staff who taught the class she said that she knows that this information isn't going to change the abuser but she hopes that it will change the culture of the other teens so that they are looking for red flags and have the courage to speak up and to support their friends who might be in abusive relationships.
Here is a link to Love Is Respect. I found this site to be full of great information.(Note: In all of my posts I use "he" for abuser and "she" for victim for simplicity and because, in the majority of cases, the abuser is male. But it can be the opposite with a female abuser. Dynamics of abuse can also happen in same sex relationships.)
Tuesday, October 23, 2018
Domestic Abuse Misconception #23
Domestic Abuse Misconception #23: Getting a restraining order will protect the victim from further abuse. The truth is that it can help but it is not a guarantee.
Getting a restraining order can be a valuable option in certain situations, though it can take time and emotional energy to push through the process.
Restraining orders can be helpful, but they aren't always helpful. A restraining order may give a victim a false sense of security or it may enrage an abuser even more. And it certainly only works as long as the abuser is actually willing to obey the order.
Here is an article that details the pros and cons of the restraining order.
(Note: In all of my posts I use "he" for abuser and "she" for victim for simplicity and because, in the majority of cases, the abuser is male. But it can be the opposite with a female abuser. Dynamics of abuse can also happen in same sex relationships.)
Getting a restraining order can be a valuable option in certain situations, though it can take time and emotional energy to push through the process.
Restraining orders can be helpful, but they aren't always helpful. A restraining order may give a victim a false sense of security or it may enrage an abuser even more. And it certainly only works as long as the abuser is actually willing to obey the order.
Here is an article that details the pros and cons of the restraining order.
(Note: In all of my posts I use "he" for abuser and "she" for victim for simplicity and because, in the majority of cases, the abuser is male. But it can be the opposite with a female abuser. Dynamics of abuse can also happen in same sex relationships.)
Monday, October 22, 2018
Domestic Abuse Misconception #22
Domestic Abuse Misconception #22: The abuse is just between the two adults and has no impact on any children in the home. This is about as far from the truth as possible. Growing up amid domestic abuse has a profound and lasting impact on a child's development, relationships, physical and mental health, academics, and future.
The Childhood Domestic Violence Association states that children of homes where domestic abuse is present are six times more likely to commit suicide and 50% more likely to abuse drugs and alcohol. The stress of living with the trauma can actually alter a child's DNA. And children who grow up with domestic abuse are three times more likely to perpetuate the cycle of abusive relationships, either as abusers or victims, ensuring abuse gets passed on to another generation.
For more information regarding the effects of abuse on children, read this article.
(Note: In all of my posts I use "he" for abuser and "she" for victim for simplicity and because, in the majority of cases, the abuser is male. But it can be the opposite with a female abuser. Dynamics of abuse can also happen in same sex relationships.)
The Childhood Domestic Violence Association states that children of homes where domestic abuse is present are six times more likely to commit suicide and 50% more likely to abuse drugs and alcohol. The stress of living with the trauma can actually alter a child's DNA. And children who grow up with domestic abuse are three times more likely to perpetuate the cycle of abusive relationships, either as abusers or victims, ensuring abuse gets passed on to another generation.
For more information regarding the effects of abuse on children, read this article.
(Note: In all of my posts I use "he" for abuser and "she" for victim for simplicity and because, in the majority of cases, the abuser is male. But it can be the opposite with a female abuser. Dynamics of abuse can also happen in same sex relationships.)
Sunday, October 21, 2018
Domestic Abuse Misconception #21
Domestic Abuse Misconception #21: After a victim has established boundaries and pulled away from the abuser, his declaration of love and displays of affection are proof of his genuine love for her. Unfortunately, this behavior is incredibly common and is called "hoovering," because it is meant to suck the victim back into the relationship. It isn't a sign of love. It is a sign of control.
Abusers need power and control. And they fear abandonment. When a victim starts to break away they will do anything and say anything to stop it. While we have seen that this is often when violence takes place, some with take the "catch more flies with honey" approach.
Just as the abuser love bombed his way into the relationship at the beginning, he may try this tactic again when he feels he is losing control. It is important to see it for what it is. It is important for others to see it for what it is.
(Note: In all of my posts I use "he" for abuser and "she" for victim for simplicity and because, in the majority of cases, the abuser is male. But it can be the opposite with a female abuser. Dynamics of abuse can also happen in same sex relationships.)
Abusers need power and control. And they fear abandonment. When a victim starts to break away they will do anything and say anything to stop it. While we have seen that this is often when violence takes place, some with take the "catch more flies with honey" approach.
Just as the abuser love bombed his way into the relationship at the beginning, he may try this tactic again when he feels he is losing control. It is important to see it for what it is. It is important for others to see it for what it is.
(Note: In all of my posts I use "he" for abuser and "she" for victim for simplicity and because, in the majority of cases, the abuser is male. But it can be the opposite with a female abuser. Dynamics of abuse can also happen in same sex relationships.)
Saturday, October 20, 2018
Domestic Abuse Misconception #20
Domestic Abuse Misconception #20: Some relationships are just mutually abusive, with each partner acting abusively toward the other, so they both need to be dealt with equally. The truth is that this is extremely rare. In abusive relationships one partner is always the primary aggressor.
It is easy to see how people would think that some relationships are just mutually abusive. Or even get it wrong as to who is actually the abuser. The reason being is that some victims respond to abuse in ways that can, in themselves, appear abusive. This is sometimes called "reactive abuse." There are plenty of times a victim can resort to yelling or throwing objects or even violence in response to the overwhelming power and control she is enduring. Her violence may be in self-defense or may be proactive, to head off abuse from the abuser.
When law enforcement is called, it isn't uncommon for the victim or both parties to be arrested. Teasing out who the abuser, also known as the "predominant aggressor," is from the victim can be a challenge for law enforcement that requires training.
It is common for abusers to claim victim status to gain sympathy and twist the narrative in their favor. It is common for victims to be pushed to extreme measures out of fear, self-protection, or desperation. Things aren't always what they seem at the moment. It is important to look at the whole puzzle and not just one piece.
Here are some guidelines for determining the predominant aggressor.
(Note: In all of my posts I use "he" for abuser and "she" for victim for simplicity and because, in the majority of cases, the abuser is male. But it can be the opposite with a female abuser. Dynamics of abuse can also happen in same sex relationships.)
It is easy to see how people would think that some relationships are just mutually abusive. Or even get it wrong as to who is actually the abuser. The reason being is that some victims respond to abuse in ways that can, in themselves, appear abusive. This is sometimes called "reactive abuse." There are plenty of times a victim can resort to yelling or throwing objects or even violence in response to the overwhelming power and control she is enduring. Her violence may be in self-defense or may be proactive, to head off abuse from the abuser.
When law enforcement is called, it isn't uncommon for the victim or both parties to be arrested. Teasing out who the abuser, also known as the "predominant aggressor," is from the victim can be a challenge for law enforcement that requires training.
It is common for abusers to claim victim status to gain sympathy and twist the narrative in their favor. It is common for victims to be pushed to extreme measures out of fear, self-protection, or desperation. Things aren't always what they seem at the moment. It is important to look at the whole puzzle and not just one piece.
Here are some guidelines for determining the predominant aggressor.
(Note: In all of my posts I use "he" for abuser and "she" for victim for simplicity and because, in the majority of cases, the abuser is male. But it can be the opposite with a female abuser. Dynamics of abuse can also happen in same sex relationships.)
Friday, October 19, 2018
Domestic Abuse Misconception #19
Domestic Abuse Misconception #19: The best thing to do is to give the abusers a list of changes the you need to see and when you see those changes, he won't abuse any more. Oh, it only it were that easy! The truth is that an abuser will use even a checklist as a means to power and control.
I think this is one of the ones that goes against conventional wisdom because we all assume that an abuser is just like us. He's not. He can jump through any hoop you give him if he wants to because the abuse is not out of his control. He can ace any checklist you dish out. But then he can use it against you.
The minute you give him a checklist you are locking yourself in. Abusers are great actors and they can play the part to get what they want and what they want is you back where they had you and where they think you belong. As the attached article says:
(Note: In all of my posts I use "he" for abuser and "she" for victim for simplicity and because, in the majority of cases, the abuser is male. But it can be the opposite with a female abuser. Dynamics of abuse can also happen in same sex relationships.)
I think this is one of the ones that goes against conventional wisdom because we all assume that an abuser is just like us. He's not. He can jump through any hoop you give him if he wants to because the abuse is not out of his control. He can ace any checklist you dish out. But then he can use it against you.
The minute you give him a checklist you are locking yourself in. Abusers are great actors and they can play the part to get what they want and what they want is you back where they had you and where they think you belong. As the attached article says:
If he is counting on you to explain to him what he needs to change, then in his mind, he doesn’t need to change anything. And your willingness to offer him a checklist is accepted as a promise that you are willing to reconcile with him as soon as those line items are checked off.Any abuser who claims to truly want to move away from abuse and toward healing with want to make changes and he will know what changes need to happen because the abuse is intentional. He's a big boy. He can figure this out. He can get help. If he really wants to change he WILL get help and he will make the changes because HE wants to, not because you gave him a list.
(Note: In all of my posts I use "he" for abuser and "she" for victim for simplicity and because, in the majority of cases, the abuser is male. But it can be the opposite with a female abuser. Dynamics of abuse can also happen in same sex relationships.)
Domestic Abuse Misconception #18
Domestic Abuse Misconception #18: Abusers act alone. The truth is that the abuser will use any tool possible to maintain power and control and one of his best tools is other people, especially other people important to the victim.
This is incredibly common with narcissists, and most abusers actually have strong narcissist characteristics. The people that the abuser rounds up are called Flying Monkeys. The flying monkeys are often people close to the victim...family members, friends, coworkers...people who have some amount of influence over the victim. It is a way for the abuser to win people over to his side and to deprive the victim of much needed support.
Flying Monkeys may not even know this is happening. Because the abuser is so adept at changing the narrative, at playing the part of the poor, pitiful victim, the Flying Monkeys can get pulled in to rushing to his defense and attacking the victim. This is particularly common when the victim is beginning to wake up to the abuse and set boundaries and take steps to get healthy.
Having a friend or family member come out of left field to attack you for seeking safety or try to coerce you into reconciling with an abuser is devastating to a victim, who can begin to wonder who, if anybody, can be trusted.
It is so important that victims see this for what it is. A smear campaign. Abuse by proxy. Just another way for the abuser to assert control. It is also important for the victim to know who is safe.
And be on your guard that you don't get recruited for the Fellowship of the Flying Monkeys. Learn the dynamics of abuse. Know how the abuser works. Learn to see through the act. First, do no harm.
This article sheds more light on the world of Flying Monkeys.
(Note: In all of my posts I use "he" for abuser and "she" for victim for simplicity and because, in the majority of cases, the abuser is male. But it can be the opposite with a female abuser. Dynamics of abuse can also happen in same sex relationships.)
This is incredibly common with narcissists, and most abusers actually have strong narcissist characteristics. The people that the abuser rounds up are called Flying Monkeys. The flying monkeys are often people close to the victim...family members, friends, coworkers...people who have some amount of influence over the victim. It is a way for the abuser to win people over to his side and to deprive the victim of much needed support.
Flying Monkeys may not even know this is happening. Because the abuser is so adept at changing the narrative, at playing the part of the poor, pitiful victim, the Flying Monkeys can get pulled in to rushing to his defense and attacking the victim. This is particularly common when the victim is beginning to wake up to the abuse and set boundaries and take steps to get healthy.
Having a friend or family member come out of left field to attack you for seeking safety or try to coerce you into reconciling with an abuser is devastating to a victim, who can begin to wonder who, if anybody, can be trusted.
It is so important that victims see this for what it is. A smear campaign. Abuse by proxy. Just another way for the abuser to assert control. It is also important for the victim to know who is safe.
And be on your guard that you don't get recruited for the Fellowship of the Flying Monkeys. Learn the dynamics of abuse. Know how the abuser works. Learn to see through the act. First, do no harm.
This article sheds more light on the world of Flying Monkeys.
(Note: In all of my posts I use "he" for abuser and "she" for victim for simplicity and because, in the majority of cases, the abuser is male. But it can be the opposite with a female abuser. Dynamics of abuse can also happen in same sex relationships.)
Wednesday, October 17, 2018
Domestic Abuse Misconception #17
Domestic Abuse Misconception #17: Jealousy just means that he loves her. It is harmless and will go away as the relationship develops. The truth is that excessive jealousy is probably one of the first signs that a relationship could turn abusive.
This is particularly important to keep in mind when you are in the early stages of a relationship. While possessiveness and insecurity of your new love interest might be flattering at first, take note. If he can't stand the thought of you being friends with other guys, can't stand the idea that you have ever had another boyfriend, has to know where you are and what you are doing at all times of the day and night, something is very, very wrong. You are no longer a person to him. You are a possession.
Jealousy can get really dangerous really fast. As this article states:
Jealousy isn't love. Jealousy is control. Don't get those confused.
(Note: In all of my posts I use "he" for abuser and "she" for victim for simplicity and because, in the majority of cases, the abuser is male. But it can be the opposite with a female abuser. Dynamics of abuse can also happen in same sex relationships.)
This is particularly important to keep in mind when you are in the early stages of a relationship. While possessiveness and insecurity of your new love interest might be flattering at first, take note. If he can't stand the thought of you being friends with other guys, can't stand the idea that you have ever had another boyfriend, has to know where you are and what you are doing at all times of the day and night, something is very, very wrong. You are no longer a person to him. You are a possession.
Jealousy can get really dangerous really fast. As this article states:
"Statistically, the most obscene homicidal and suicidal effects of Domestic Violence generally occur from pathologically jealous men against female partners."I have heard on more than one occasion that the statement, "If I can't have you, nobody can," should be viewed as a death threat. You hear that, you get help. Fast. (In the Asheville area call the Helpmate at (828)254-0516. Nationally, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at (800)799-SAFE.)
Jealousy isn't love. Jealousy is control. Don't get those confused.
(Note: In all of my posts I use "he" for abuser and "she" for victim for simplicity and because, in the majority of cases, the abuser is male. But it can be the opposite with a female abuser. Dynamics of abuse can also happen in same sex relationships.)
Tuesday, October 16, 2018
Domestic Abuse Misconception #16
Domestic Abuse Misconception #16: The abuse seems rather mild right now and I can assume it will stay that way. The reality is that most abuse escalates over time. You cannot assume that the little digs at your dignity, the belittling, the overriding of your decisions, the jealousy that seems kinda sweet....you cannot assume that these relatively minor means of manipulation and control will indeed stay minor.
Most abuse starts small. In fact, most abusive relationships start with what is called "love bombing" wherein the abuser showers the victims with so much adoration and affection that she is, in effect, a fish that is hooked and then reeled in.
The abuse starts gradually as the abuser tests the boundaries and pushes the line bit by bit and the victim might not even notice, much like the proverbial frog in the increasingly hot water.
Escalation can get severe. It can get dangerous. Abusers who have never been physically violent before can suddenly turn dangerous. As I mentioned in Misconception #7, in 28-33% of domestic abuse murders, there was no prior physical abuse. This is the ultimate escalation.
I have shared before that abusers don't just get better on their own. In fact, it is rare for them to change at all. But I also need to note that abusers rarely sustain over time the same level of abuse. Most abuse will get worse over time. It is important to learn the signs of escalation as well as seek help from those who are equipped to give it.
Here is an excellent article on escalation.
(Note: In all of my posts I use "he" for abuser and "she" for victim for simplicity and because, in the majority of cases, the abuser is male. But it can be the opposite with a female abuser. Dynamics of abuse can also happen in same sex relationships.)
Most abuse starts small. In fact, most abusive relationships start with what is called "love bombing" wherein the abuser showers the victims with so much adoration and affection that she is, in effect, a fish that is hooked and then reeled in.
The abuse starts gradually as the abuser tests the boundaries and pushes the line bit by bit and the victim might not even notice, much like the proverbial frog in the increasingly hot water.
Escalation can get severe. It can get dangerous. Abusers who have never been physically violent before can suddenly turn dangerous. As I mentioned in Misconception #7, in 28-33% of domestic abuse murders, there was no prior physical abuse. This is the ultimate escalation.
I have shared before that abusers don't just get better on their own. In fact, it is rare for them to change at all. But I also need to note that abusers rarely sustain over time the same level of abuse. Most abuse will get worse over time. It is important to learn the signs of escalation as well as seek help from those who are equipped to give it.
Here is an excellent article on escalation.
(Note: In all of my posts I use "he" for abuser and "she" for victim for simplicity and because, in the majority of cases, the abuser is male. But it can be the opposite with a female abuser. Dynamics of abuse can also happen in same sex relationships.)
Monday, October 15, 2018
Domestic Abuse Misconception #15
Domestic Abuse Misconception #15: If an abuser apologizes for his behavior then it means that he has changed. The truth is, apologizing for abusive behavior is never a sign of any change and is just one point in what is commonly called the Cycle of Abuse.
Abusive relationships aren't always overtly or even covertly abusive. In most abusive relationships, the actual abuse is just part and parcel of a cycle. The Cycle of Abuse includes a period of tension building, where the victim feels the need to walk on eggshells and fear is escalating. Then comes the actual abuse, be it physical, emotional, sexual, verbal, financial...some episode or more intense interaction that is set on controlling the victim and breaking her down. Next comes what is often called the "honeymoon phase," with the apology or the promises that it will never happen again. The vow to change. Perhaps the begging for forgiveness. It might include a denial that the abuse ever happened. Often this is followed a period of relative calm and peace before the tension builds again.
Some victims describe this cycle more as a switch being flipped. He is "up" and nice and caring and then it flips and he is "down" and brooding, manipulative, and threatening. Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. Over and over and over again.
Whether it is the cycle or the switch, each period can last minutes or months. It isn't always consistent and that is what is so very hard. This is one of the reasons victims stay, hanging on to the promise that "this time he'll change for good." This is one of the reasons friends and family might minimize the abuse, because right now he is so nice. This cycle is what can drive a victim to question her own sanity.
This is why a mere apology, a beg for forgiveness, an apparent act of kindness will really tell you nothing about an abuser. This is why trust can only be established after consistent behavior change over a period of time...probably a long period of time.
True repentance will always bear fruit over time. Promises of change, as discussed in Misconception #12, must always be accompanied with the true fruit of repentance and the very hard work to break the cycle. The reality is that few abusers are willing to break that cycle.
It is important to be aware of this cycle when supporting a victim. She knows this cycle better than anyone. Do not press her to trust him prematurely, without the evidence of true repentance. Trust can only be earned with behavior change over a long period of time, proving that the cycle has been broken.
(Note: In all of my posts I use "he" for abuser and "she" for victim for simplicity and because, in the majority of cases, the abuser is male. But it can be the opposite with a female abuser. Dynamics of abuse can also happen in same sex relationships.)
Abusive relationships aren't always overtly or even covertly abusive. In most abusive relationships, the actual abuse is just part and parcel of a cycle. The Cycle of Abuse includes a period of tension building, where the victim feels the need to walk on eggshells and fear is escalating. Then comes the actual abuse, be it physical, emotional, sexual, verbal, financial...some episode or more intense interaction that is set on controlling the victim and breaking her down. Next comes what is often called the "honeymoon phase," with the apology or the promises that it will never happen again. The vow to change. Perhaps the begging for forgiveness. It might include a denial that the abuse ever happened. Often this is followed a period of relative calm and peace before the tension builds again.
Some victims describe this cycle more as a switch being flipped. He is "up" and nice and caring and then it flips and he is "down" and brooding, manipulative, and threatening. Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. Over and over and over again.
Whether it is the cycle or the switch, each period can last minutes or months. It isn't always consistent and that is what is so very hard. This is one of the reasons victims stay, hanging on to the promise that "this time he'll change for good." This is one of the reasons friends and family might minimize the abuse, because right now he is so nice. This cycle is what can drive a victim to question her own sanity.
This is why a mere apology, a beg for forgiveness, an apparent act of kindness will really tell you nothing about an abuser. This is why trust can only be established after consistent behavior change over a period of time...probably a long period of time.
True repentance will always bear fruit over time. Promises of change, as discussed in Misconception #12, must always be accompanied with the true fruit of repentance and the very hard work to break the cycle. The reality is that few abusers are willing to break that cycle.
It is important to be aware of this cycle when supporting a victim. She knows this cycle better than anyone. Do not press her to trust him prematurely, without the evidence of true repentance. Trust can only be earned with behavior change over a long period of time, proving that the cycle has been broken.
(Note: In all of my posts I use "he" for abuser and "she" for victim for simplicity and because, in the majority of cases, the abuser is male. But it can be the opposite with a female abuser. Dynamics of abuse can also happen in same sex relationships.)
Sunday, October 14, 2018
Domestic Abuse Misconception #14
Domestic Abuse Misconception #14: The church is the safest place for a victim to seek help. The truth is that it is actually one of the least safe places for victims. Here is a sobering statistic. One study showed that 7 out of 10 victims seek help first from their place of worship but of those who have done so, only 4% would recommend doing it.
I don't think that most churches are intentionally cruel and intend to do harm, it is more that they are grossly ill-equipped to care for people in this situation. It is incredibly common for people within the church, especially church leadership, to provide input and guidance in an area where they have no specific training. There is this idea that if you know the Bible, if you know theology, then you are able to address any situation out there and that is, quite frankly, just not true.
Domestic abuse is a very special situation that requires extensive knowledge in the dynamics of abuse. Training and understanding is essential. A family practice physician should never attempt to do brain surgery except in the most dire of situations (trapped on a desert island, stranded on a ship in the arctic, isolated in the heart of the rain forest...and then only if not doing so means certain death). A wise physician will always refer to a specialist for conditions he or she is not qualified to treat. To do otherwise would be considered malpractice.
Yet the church commits malpractice all the time when it comes to abuse. Sometimes it is well meaning, but ignorance. Sometimes it is the toxic combination of ignorance plus arrogance. Sometimes it is just a blind spot. But blind spots are dangerous (I know. Our Toyota Tundra has one.) and the only way to operate safely is to be aware of your blind spots.
Why is this so important? The truth is that abuse handled poorly by anybody does incredible damage to the victim and often further enables the abuser. But abuse handled poorly by the church does exponential damage because the church, in effect, is speaking for God. The spiritual damage done to a victim is horrific when she is destroyed by her abuser and then that abuse is disbelieved, the damage is minimized, she is forced into couples counseling, rebuked for not submitting enough, admonished to try harder, commanded to forgive, and sometimes even threatened with church discipline if she doesn't obey their authority. (This pattern happens more than you've believe.)
This is a horrific tragedy because this kind of spiritual malpractice paints a picture of God that is totally opposite of who he says he is: the God of the oppressed.
So, what can churches do to be the safe place that victims need? Here are some basic steps:
Believe the victim.
Support the victim.
Refer the victim to professionals and agencies that are competent to serve them.
Educate and equip the congregation to care for victims in their midst.
Believe. Support. Refer. Equip. Make victims glad they came to you first.
Here is an excellent article on the matter.
(Note: In all of my posts I use "he" for abuser and "she" for victim for simplicity and because, in the majority of cases, the abuser is male. But it can be the opposite with a female abuser. Dynamics of abuse can also happen in same sex relationships.)
I don't think that most churches are intentionally cruel and intend to do harm, it is more that they are grossly ill-equipped to care for people in this situation. It is incredibly common for people within the church, especially church leadership, to provide input and guidance in an area where they have no specific training. There is this idea that if you know the Bible, if you know theology, then you are able to address any situation out there and that is, quite frankly, just not true.
Domestic abuse is a very special situation that requires extensive knowledge in the dynamics of abuse. Training and understanding is essential. A family practice physician should never attempt to do brain surgery except in the most dire of situations (trapped on a desert island, stranded on a ship in the arctic, isolated in the heart of the rain forest...and then only if not doing so means certain death). A wise physician will always refer to a specialist for conditions he or she is not qualified to treat. To do otherwise would be considered malpractice.
Yet the church commits malpractice all the time when it comes to abuse. Sometimes it is well meaning, but ignorance. Sometimes it is the toxic combination of ignorance plus arrogance. Sometimes it is just a blind spot. But blind spots are dangerous (I know. Our Toyota Tundra has one.) and the only way to operate safely is to be aware of your blind spots.
Why is this so important? The truth is that abuse handled poorly by anybody does incredible damage to the victim and often further enables the abuser. But abuse handled poorly by the church does exponential damage because the church, in effect, is speaking for God. The spiritual damage done to a victim is horrific when she is destroyed by her abuser and then that abuse is disbelieved, the damage is minimized, she is forced into couples counseling, rebuked for not submitting enough, admonished to try harder, commanded to forgive, and sometimes even threatened with church discipline if she doesn't obey their authority. (This pattern happens more than you've believe.)
This is a horrific tragedy because this kind of spiritual malpractice paints a picture of God that is totally opposite of who he says he is: the God of the oppressed.
So, what can churches do to be the safe place that victims need? Here are some basic steps:
Believe the victim.
Support the victim.
Refer the victim to professionals and agencies that are competent to serve them.
Educate and equip the congregation to care for victims in their midst.
Believe. Support. Refer. Equip. Make victims glad they came to you first.
Here is an excellent article on the matter.
(Note: In all of my posts I use "he" for abuser and "she" for victim for simplicity and because, in the majority of cases, the abuser is male. But it can be the opposite with a female abuser. Dynamics of abuse can also happen in same sex relationships.)
Saturday, October 13, 2018
Domestic Abuse Misconception #13
Domestic Abuse Misconception #13: It is important for someone to take charge and tell the victim what to do. Actually, the opposite is true. A victim needs to be empowered to make the wisest decisions about her own life.
Remember what abuse is. It is the use of power and manipulation to gain and maintain control over the life of another person. This means that the victim of abuse has, for perhaps years, had no voice and no choice in her life. She has been beaten down, told she didn't matter, demeaned, and devalued. She has perhaps lived in constant fear. She has been a prisoner in her own home and even in her own body.
This is why it is so very important to allow her to make her own choices and gradually get back the power to run her own life. This is why so many domestic abuse organizations strongly encourage the empowerment model.
You can read more about empowerment here.
(Note: In all of my posts I use "he" for abuser and "she" for victim for simplicity and because, in the majority of cases, the abuser is male. But it can be the opposite with a female abuser. Dynamics of abuse can also happen in same sex relationships.)
Remember what abuse is. It is the use of power and manipulation to gain and maintain control over the life of another person. This means that the victim of abuse has, for perhaps years, had no voice and no choice in her life. She has been beaten down, told she didn't matter, demeaned, and devalued. She has perhaps lived in constant fear. She has been a prisoner in her own home and even in her own body.
This is why it is so very important to allow her to make her own choices and gradually get back the power to run her own life. This is why so many domestic abuse organizations strongly encourage the empowerment model.
You can read more about empowerment here.
(Note: In all of my posts I use "he" for abuser and "she" for victim for simplicity and because, in the majority of cases, the abuser is male. But it can be the opposite with a female abuser. Dynamics of abuse can also happen in same sex relationships.)
Friday, October 12, 2018
Domestic Abuse Misconception #12
Domestic Abuse Misconception #12: Anybody can change and an abuser will change if just given a chance. The truth is that yes, anybody can change, but the reality is that very few abusers do change.
Most victims will hold out hope after hope after hope that their abuser will change. And most victims I know have given their abuser so many chances to do so. And when she does finally break the silence and seek help she is often encouraged to give more chances, hold onto more hope, forgive yet again, and trust the person who has laid her to waste.
And sometimes it looks like the abuser is changing. He is jumping through the hoops. He is acting nice. He may be pouring it on thick. But is it real change?
Lundy Bancroft is one of the most respected experts in working with abusers. (If you want to really understand abusers, read his book Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men. It is absolutely terrifying.)
Even if others may see some changes (and abusers are master manipulators and excellent actors) Bancroft admits that it really is only the victim who is best able to assess if real change has taken place. Only she can really tell. He wrote this excellent piece that I highly encourage you to read.
And remember that anybody can act the part for a certain amount of time. An abuser can play Dr. Jekyll for a good long time before reverting to Mr. Hyde. Encouraging a victim to trust prematurely is incredibly damaging. Trust has to be earned and it can only be earned when she sees the behavior change withstand the test of time.
That said, what would change in an abuser look like?
Here is Lundy Bancroft's list of of some ways to assess change in an abuser:
(Note: In all of my posts I use "he" for abuser and "she" for victim for simplicity and because, in the majority of cases, the abuser is male. But it can be the opposite with a female abuser. Dynamics of abuse can also happen in same sex relationships.)
Most victims will hold out hope after hope after hope that their abuser will change. And most victims I know have given their abuser so many chances to do so. And when she does finally break the silence and seek help she is often encouraged to give more chances, hold onto more hope, forgive yet again, and trust the person who has laid her to waste.
And sometimes it looks like the abuser is changing. He is jumping through the hoops. He is acting nice. He may be pouring it on thick. But is it real change?
Lundy Bancroft is one of the most respected experts in working with abusers. (If you want to really understand abusers, read his book Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men. It is absolutely terrifying.)
Even if others may see some changes (and abusers are master manipulators and excellent actors) Bancroft admits that it really is only the victim who is best able to assess if real change has taken place. Only she can really tell. He wrote this excellent piece that I highly encourage you to read.
And remember that anybody can act the part for a certain amount of time. An abuser can play Dr. Jekyll for a good long time before reverting to Mr. Hyde. Encouraging a victim to trust prematurely is incredibly damaging. Trust has to be earned and it can only be earned when she sees the behavior change withstand the test of time.
That said, what would change in an abuser look like?
Here is Lundy Bancroft's list of of some ways to assess change in an abuser:
- Admitting fully to what he has done
- Stopping excuses
- Stopping all blaming of her
- Making amends
- Accepting responsibility (recognizing that abuse is a choice)
- Identifying patterns of controlling behavior, admitting their wrongness
- Identifying the attitudes that drive his abuse
- Accepting that overcoming abusiveness will be a decades-long process, not declaring himself cured
- Not starting to say, “so now it’s your turn to do your work”, not using change as a bargaining chip
- Not demanding credit for improvements he has made
- Not treating improvements as chips or vouchers to be spent on occasional acts of abuse (e.g. “I haven’t done anything like this in a long time, so why are you making such a big deal about it?”)
- Developing respectful, kind, supportive behaviors
- Carrying his weight
- Sharing power
- Changing how he is in highly heated conflicts
- Changing how he responds to his partner’s (or former partner’s) anger and grievances
- Changing his parenting
- Changing his treatment of her as a parent
- Changing his attitudes towards females in general
- Accepting the consequences of his actions (including not feeling sorry for himself about those consequences, and not blaming her or the children for them)
(Note: In all of my posts I use "he" for abuser and "she" for victim for simplicity and because, in the majority of cases, the abuser is male. But it can be the opposite with a female abuser. Dynamics of abuse can also happen in same sex relationships.)
Thursday, October 11, 2018
Domestic Abuse Misconception #11
Domestic Abuse Misconception #11: Reconciliation and the preservation of the marriage should always be the goal. NO! NO! NO! Safety should be the goal. Healing should be the goal. But the truth is that in many cases safety and healing cannot happen within the context and framework of the marriage.
My husband asked me yesterday if I had gotten any push back from these posts. I replied not yet but then again I think most of the people who would be offended by these topics have long ago unfriended me, unfollowed me, or just made sure not to read my posts. This one may be different.
Some of you the idea that preservation of the marriage is always the goal seems foolish and ridiculous. For many of us, though, we see this all the time. Within conservative Christian circles divorce is considered one of the all-time evils, causing the breakdown of the family and going against the "what God has joined together...." declaration.
And yet....and yet even God allows divorce.
The problem with the mindset of marriage above all else is that it places the preservation of the institution over the well being of the people the institution was created for. When Jesus healed on the Sabbath and was raked over the coals for it he declared that "The Sabbath was created for man, not man for the Sabbath." (Mark 2:27) In the same way, marriage was created for man, not man for marriage.
Marriage is supposed to be a picture of Christ and his church, often called "the bride of Christ," a union of gentleness, kindness, self-sacrifice. A marriage filled with abuse is a gross perversion of that picture, depicting Christ as the controlling, manipulative, self-centered monster bent on destroying the one that he "loves." That isn't a picture of Christ and his church. That is a picture of hell.
People say, 'But didn't they take vows before God?" Yes, they did. And abuse is a blatant and horrific breaking of those vows. If and when a victim moves toward divorce, it isn't that she is the one breaking her vow, she is asking to be free from the one who has already broken his, and is destroying her in the process.
I'm not a theologian, but I have worked long and hard to try to understand the heart of God. I see a God who is for the oppressed. For the victim. For a proper and honest depiction of love. Who is for healing. Who is for life.
I am not saying that all marriages that include abuse must move to divorce. That may not always be the best or safest option. What I am saying is that safety and healing and genuine wholeness, the overall well being of the victim, must take priority because that is who God is.
If you question my reasoning on this point, consider these words.
(Note: In all of my posts I use "he" for abuser and "she" for victim for simplicity and because, in the majority of cases, the abuser is male. But it can be the opposite with a female abuser. Dynamics of abuse can also happen in same sex relationships.)
My husband asked me yesterday if I had gotten any push back from these posts. I replied not yet but then again I think most of the people who would be offended by these topics have long ago unfriended me, unfollowed me, or just made sure not to read my posts. This one may be different.
Some of you the idea that preservation of the marriage is always the goal seems foolish and ridiculous. For many of us, though, we see this all the time. Within conservative Christian circles divorce is considered one of the all-time evils, causing the breakdown of the family and going against the "what God has joined together...." declaration.
And yet....and yet even God allows divorce.
The problem with the mindset of marriage above all else is that it places the preservation of the institution over the well being of the people the institution was created for. When Jesus healed on the Sabbath and was raked over the coals for it he declared that "The Sabbath was created for man, not man for the Sabbath." (Mark 2:27) In the same way, marriage was created for man, not man for marriage.
Marriage is supposed to be a picture of Christ and his church, often called "the bride of Christ," a union of gentleness, kindness, self-sacrifice. A marriage filled with abuse is a gross perversion of that picture, depicting Christ as the controlling, manipulative, self-centered monster bent on destroying the one that he "loves." That isn't a picture of Christ and his church. That is a picture of hell.
People say, 'But didn't they take vows before God?" Yes, they did. And abuse is a blatant and horrific breaking of those vows. If and when a victim moves toward divorce, it isn't that she is the one breaking her vow, she is asking to be free from the one who has already broken his, and is destroying her in the process.
I'm not a theologian, but I have worked long and hard to try to understand the heart of God. I see a God who is for the oppressed. For the victim. For a proper and honest depiction of love. Who is for healing. Who is for life.
I am not saying that all marriages that include abuse must move to divorce. That may not always be the best or safest option. What I am saying is that safety and healing and genuine wholeness, the overall well being of the victim, must take priority because that is who God is.
If you question my reasoning on this point, consider these words.
(Note: In all of my posts I use "he" for abuser and "she" for victim for simplicity and because, in the majority of cases, the abuser is male. But it can be the opposite with a female abuser. Dynamics of abuse can also happen in same sex relationships.)
Wednesday, October 10, 2018
Domestic Abuse Misconception #10
Domestic Abuse Misconception #10: Nobody's perfect. We are all sinners. So both parties share in the responsibility for the abuse.
If I had a dollar for every time I or one of my dear friends have encountered this idea....
Again, here is the problem of someone who knows about one thing assuming that it applies to something else they don't understand.
Yes. It is true. Nobody is perfect.
Yes. It is true. We are all sinners.
But HELL NO! Both parties do NOT share in the responsibility for the abuse.
Please remember this. Abuse is the use of power and manipulation to control another person. Abuse sees the other person as less than. As a piece of property. Abuse comes from a sense of entitlement. An abuser uses whatever means to get what he wants regardless of the wishes or needs of the other person.
Assuming that both share in the responsibility is basically saying that the victim deserved the abuse.
In case this isn't clear enough I will say it again. THERE IS NEVER EVER A VALID REASON TO ABUSE ANOTHER PERSON.
All those pithy sayings about marriage...."It takes two." Well, yes. It takes two to tango. It takes two to have a healthy marriage. But it only takes ONE to DESTROY IT.
Victims are abused twice over. First from the abuser and second from those who tell her that the abuse is her fault and if she would just .....whatever.....submit, build him up, lose weight, have more sex....then he would quit destroying her life.
OK, people. How cruel can you be to do this to someone? Yet it happens all the damn time.
Please understand this. There are no perfect people but abuse is not a relationship problem or a marriage problem. ABUSE IS AN ABUSE PROBLEM.
(Note: In all of my posts I use "he" for abuser and "she" for victim for simplicity and because, in the majority of cases, the abuser is male. But it can be the opposite with a female abuser. Dynamics of abuse can also happen in same sex relationships.)
If I had a dollar for every time I or one of my dear friends have encountered this idea....
Again, here is the problem of someone who knows about one thing assuming that it applies to something else they don't understand.
Yes. It is true. Nobody is perfect.
Yes. It is true. We are all sinners.
But HELL NO! Both parties do NOT share in the responsibility for the abuse.
Please remember this. Abuse is the use of power and manipulation to control another person. Abuse sees the other person as less than. As a piece of property. Abuse comes from a sense of entitlement. An abuser uses whatever means to get what he wants regardless of the wishes or needs of the other person.
Assuming that both share in the responsibility is basically saying that the victim deserved the abuse.
In case this isn't clear enough I will say it again. THERE IS NEVER EVER A VALID REASON TO ABUSE ANOTHER PERSON.
All those pithy sayings about marriage...."It takes two." Well, yes. It takes two to tango. It takes two to have a healthy marriage. But it only takes ONE to DESTROY IT.
Victims are abused twice over. First from the abuser and second from those who tell her that the abuse is her fault and if she would just .....whatever.....submit, build him up, lose weight, have more sex....then he would quit destroying her life.
OK, people. How cruel can you be to do this to someone? Yet it happens all the damn time.
Please understand this. There are no perfect people but abuse is not a relationship problem or a marriage problem. ABUSE IS AN ABUSE PROBLEM.
(Note: In all of my posts I use "he" for abuser and "she" for victim for simplicity and because, in the majority of cases, the abuser is male. But it can be the opposite with a female abuser. Dynamics of abuse can also happen in same sex relationships.)
Tuesday, October 9, 2018
Domestic Abuse Misconception #9
Domestic Abuse Misconception #9: A victim should just keep these matters to herself. A wife, especially, should not disclose abuse because doing so is dishonoring to her husband.
This is an idea that is more likely to be found in church circles, which often confuse disclosure with gossip, and perhaps more "polite" society where "we just don't talk about those things."
The truth is that abuse, any kind of abuse, thrives on secrecy. The first step out of abuse is disclosing that it is happening. It is not dishonoring to disclose abuse. It is about the only way to make it stop. And it is the only path toward healing.
Secrets are rarely a good thing. They aren't healthy. They isolate. They wear a soul down with shame. The Bible continually calls us to expose evil. Ignoring evil or covering it up only leads to more destruction.
It is important to tell someone if you are being abused, controlled, manipulated. Now, the challenge is that telling someone who doesn't get it and is dead set on fixing you or setting you straight or telling you what they think you need to do can be incredibly damaging to your trust. Call your local domestic abuse hotline (in the Asheville area it is Helpmate at 828-254-0516) or The National Domestic Abuse Hotline (1-800-799-SAFE). Share with a trusted friend. Shoot, share with me if you don't know who to tell. I can help you find safe people to talk to.
And for those of you who are receive the honor of being entrusted with such difficult information, here is information from the Domestic Violence Resource Centre in Australia (abuse is a global problem):
This is an idea that is more likely to be found in church circles, which often confuse disclosure with gossip, and perhaps more "polite" society where "we just don't talk about those things."
The truth is that abuse, any kind of abuse, thrives on secrecy. The first step out of abuse is disclosing that it is happening. It is not dishonoring to disclose abuse. It is about the only way to make it stop. And it is the only path toward healing.
Secrets are rarely a good thing. They aren't healthy. They isolate. They wear a soul down with shame. The Bible continually calls us to expose evil. Ignoring evil or covering it up only leads to more destruction.
It is important to tell someone if you are being abused, controlled, manipulated. Now, the challenge is that telling someone who doesn't get it and is dead set on fixing you or setting you straight or telling you what they think you need to do can be incredibly damaging to your trust. Call your local domestic abuse hotline (in the Asheville area it is Helpmate at 828-254-0516) or The National Domestic Abuse Hotline (1-800-799-SAFE). Share with a trusted friend. Shoot, share with me if you don't know who to tell. I can help you find safe people to talk to.
And for those of you who are receive the honor of being entrusted with such difficult information, here is information from the Domestic Violence Resource Centre in Australia (abuse is a global problem):
- Listen to what she has to say.
- Believe what she tells you. It will have taken a lot for her to talk to you. People are much more likely to cover up or downplay the abuse, rather than to make it up or exaggerate. You might find it hard to imagine someone you know could behave abusively. But the person who is abusive will probably show you a very different side to the side the victim sees.
- Take the abuse seriously. Abuse can be damaging both physically and emotionally. Don’t underestimate the danger she may be in.
- Help her to recognise the abuse and understand how it may be affecting her or her children.
- Tell her you think she has been brave in being able to talk about the abuse, and in being able to keep going despite the abuse.
- Help to build her confidence in herself.
- Help her to understand that the abuse is not her fault and that no-one deserves to be abused, no matter what they do. Let her know you think that the way her partner is treating her is wrong. For example, ‘No-one, not even your husband, has the right to mistreat you’
- Help her to protect herself. You could say ‘I’m afraid of what he could do to you or the children‘ or ‘I’m worried that it will get worse’ . Talk to her about how she thinks she could protect herself. See the section ‘Helping to increase her safety’ (see below).
- Help her to think about what she can do and see how you can help her to achieve it.
- Offer practical assistance like minding the children for a while, cooking a meal for her, offering a safe place to stay, transport or to accompany her to court, etc.
- Respect her right to make her own decisions, even if you don’t agree with them. Respect her cultural or religious values and beliefs.
- Maintain some level of regular contact with her. Having an opportunity to talk regularly to a supportive friend or relative can be very important.
- Find out about Intervention Orders (Victorian name for a court protection order – in NSW these are called ‘Apprehended Violence Orders’, and in other states they are ‘Protection’, ‘Restraining’ or ‘Domestic Violence’ Orders) and other legal options available and pass this information on to her if she wants it.
- Tell her about the services available. Remind her that if she calls a service, she can just get support and information, they won’t pressure her to leave if she doesn’t want to.
- Keep supporting her after she has left the relationship. The period of separation could be a dangerous time for her, as the abuse may increase. She may need practical support and encouragement to help her establish a new life and recover from the abuse. She could also seek counselling or join a support group.
Monday, October 8, 2018
Domestic Abuse Misconception #8
Domestic Abuse Misconception #8: If things are really that bad then she would just leave.
The truth is that things can still really be "that bad" but she doesn't leave for so many reasons.
She doesn't leave because she still has such a strong emotional connection with her abuser.
She doesn't leave because she is financially dependent on her abuser.
She doesn't leave because she doesn't want to have to let her children spend time alone with her abuser without her there to protect them.
She doesn't leave because nobody would believe her and she would have no support.
She doesn't leave because she has nowhere to go.
She doesn't leave because her church might tell her it is wrong to do so.
She doesn't leave because she knows that wherever she goes, he will be able to find her.
A victim will leave her abuser and return and leave and return a number of times, the average being seven, before she leaves for good. The process of leaving is a terrifying and brutal process and it is terrifying for good reason. 75% of homicides occur as the victim tries to leave or in the several weeks after she leaves. It is, in many ways, safer to stay in the relationship.
This is why it is so very important for a victim to reach out to trusted and informed friends or a domestic abuse shelter and make a safety plan.
This is why it is so very important for a victim to reach out to trusted and informed friends or a domestic abuse shelter and make a safety plan.
If you are in an abusive relationship and need help in figuring out what to do next or making a safety plan, call the National Domestic Abuse Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE(7233) or in the Asheville area you can call Helpmate at 828-254-0516.
(Note: In all of my posts I use "he" for abuser and "she" for victim for simplicity and because, in the majority of cases, the abuser is male. But it can be the opposite with a female abuser. Dynamics of abuse can also happen in same sex relationships.)
Sunday, October 7, 2018
Domestic Abuse Misconception #7
Domestic Abuse Misconception #7: If there has been no physical abuse then it is not dangerous. This couldn't be further from the truth. I already emphasized in a previous post that abuse is still abuse, even if there has been no physical violence. That all the various other forms of abuse--emotional, spiritual, sexual, financial, verbal--all, over time, tear down a victim to the point that she is a shell of her former self. Often victims are actually driven to alcohol or drugs as a coping mechanism or even to suicide to escape what has turned into a living hell.
But listen to this and listen well: In 28-33% of all domestic violence MURDERS, there has been NO PRIOR PHYSICAL VIOLENCE.
So before you dismiss the evil of abuse as "not that big of a deal because he doesn't hit her," take the above statistic to heart. Abuse, in any form, should ALWAYS be taken seriously.
Here are some more statistics for consideration.
(Note: In all of my posts I use "he" for abuser and "she" for victim for simplicity and because, in the majority of cases, the abuser is male. But it can be the opposite with a female abuser. Dynamics of abuse can also happen in same sex relationships.)
But listen to this and listen well: In 28-33% of all domestic violence MURDERS, there has been NO PRIOR PHYSICAL VIOLENCE.
So before you dismiss the evil of abuse as "not that big of a deal because he doesn't hit her," take the above statistic to heart. Abuse, in any form, should ALWAYS be taken seriously.
Here are some more statistics for consideration.
(Note: In all of my posts I use "he" for abuser and "she" for victim for simplicity and because, in the majority of cases, the abuser is male. But it can be the opposite with a female abuser. Dynamics of abuse can also happen in same sex relationships.)
Saturday, October 6, 2018
Domestic Abuse Misconception #6
(Note: In all of my posts I use "he" for abuser and "she" for victim for simplicity and because, in the majority of cases, the abuser is male. But it can be the opposite with a female abuser. Dynamics of abuse can also happen in same sex relationships.)
Domestic Abuse Misconception #6: There is no way to know if a person will turn abusive. The truth is that there are red flags.
Yesterday I talked about how abusers don't necessarily look like abusers. How very hard for all concerned, then. Are there no caution signs at all? No way to know if your current boyfriend or husband (or girlfriend or wife) will one day turn abusive and/or violent? Well, there are characteristics that serve as red flags. I think these need to be taught to everyone, especially young people getting into relationships.
Here is an excellent list of red flags. Please note that these behaviors generally escalate. And if any of the last four behaviors (14-17) are present along with several of the others, then there is a heightened risk of physical violence.
Domestic Abuse Misconception #6: There is no way to know if a person will turn abusive. The truth is that there are red flags.
Yesterday I talked about how abusers don't necessarily look like abusers. How very hard for all concerned, then. Are there no caution signs at all? No way to know if your current boyfriend or husband (or girlfriend or wife) will one day turn abusive and/or violent? Well, there are characteristics that serve as red flags. I think these need to be taught to everyone, especially young people getting into relationships.
Here is an excellent list of red flags. Please note that these behaviors generally escalate. And if any of the last four behaviors (14-17) are present along with several of the others, then there is a heightened risk of physical violence.
Friday, October 5, 2018
Domestic Abuse Misconception #5
(Note: In all of my posts I use "he" for abuser and "she" for victim for simplicity and because, in the majority of cases, the abuser is male. But it can be the opposite with a female abuser. Dynamics of abuse can also happen in same sex relationships.)
Domestic Abuse Misconception #5: It is easy to tell who is an abuser because he will act like one to everybody. There is no way anybody I know is an abuser.
Oh, how I wish this were true. Then it would be easy to stay away from one. Maybe even easier to get away. It would certainly make it so much easier for the victim to be believed. But that isn't how abuse works.
Abusers come in all shapes and sizes and nationalities and ethnic groups and religions and socio-economic classes with any level of education or none at all. You can't walk up to a crowd of people or sit down at a dinner party or fellowship with people at church and say, "Oh, THAT guy is an abuser." You just can't tell that easily.
One of the biggest obstacles for a victim is to disclose the abuse only to be told by others that there is no way that is happening because her abuser is so very nice.
This is what you need to know.
Abuse is about power and control. It isn't about a bad personality. Abusers can be warm, smart, funny, and completely and utterly charming. They are the ultimate wolves in sheep's clothing. Most abusers do so in private, behind closed doors. Those who physically abuse their victims often inflict damage on parts of the body that nobody else will ever see. Emotional abusers may act like Dr. Jekyll in front of others and turn into Mr. Hyde behind closed doors. It is possible for close family and friends not to know of the abuse, even when they see the victim struggling to cope with life.
I have known victims whose children didn't even understand the abuse was happening because it was so very clandestine and the abuser wielded his power and control out of sight of the children (though children witnessing the abuse is much more common and an issue to be addressed in another post).
The point of this post is that you cannot assume that just because a person doesn't seem like his is abuser, he isn't. Abusers are masters at manipulation and changing a narrative to their benefit. There are, however, red flags to look for. I will share those tomorrow.
Domestic Abuse Misconception #5: It is easy to tell who is an abuser because he will act like one to everybody. There is no way anybody I know is an abuser.
Oh, how I wish this were true. Then it would be easy to stay away from one. Maybe even easier to get away. It would certainly make it so much easier for the victim to be believed. But that isn't how abuse works.
Abusers come in all shapes and sizes and nationalities and ethnic groups and religions and socio-economic classes with any level of education or none at all. You can't walk up to a crowd of people or sit down at a dinner party or fellowship with people at church and say, "Oh, THAT guy is an abuser." You just can't tell that easily.
One of the biggest obstacles for a victim is to disclose the abuse only to be told by others that there is no way that is happening because her abuser is so very nice.
This is what you need to know.
Abuse is about power and control. It isn't about a bad personality. Abusers can be warm, smart, funny, and completely and utterly charming. They are the ultimate wolves in sheep's clothing. Most abusers do so in private, behind closed doors. Those who physically abuse their victims often inflict damage on parts of the body that nobody else will ever see. Emotional abusers may act like Dr. Jekyll in front of others and turn into Mr. Hyde behind closed doors. It is possible for close family and friends not to know of the abuse, even when they see the victim struggling to cope with life.
I have known victims whose children didn't even understand the abuse was happening because it was so very clandestine and the abuser wielded his power and control out of sight of the children (though children witnessing the abuse is much more common and an issue to be addressed in another post).
The point of this post is that you cannot assume that just because a person doesn't seem like his is abuser, he isn't. Abusers are masters at manipulation and changing a narrative to their benefit. There are, however, red flags to look for. I will share those tomorrow.
Thursday, October 4, 2018
Domestic Abuse Misconception #4
(Note: In all of my posts I use "he" for abuser and "she" for victim for simplicity and because, in the majority of cases, the abuser is male. But it can be the opposite with a female abuser. Dynamics of abuse can also happen in same sex relationships.)
Domestic Abuse Misconception #4: All marriages go through difficult times. What she is calling abuse is just a rough patch that she needs to push through and get over.
This is probably one of the most damaging misconceptions out there because it minimizes the abuse and calls it something it isn't. It is absolutely horrifying and demeaning and heartbreaking for a victim to finally have the courage to speak up and be honest about what she is experiencing only to have people tell her, "Oh, everybody goes through hard times."
There is a huge difference between a marriage that is, at times or even most of the time, stressful, difficult, disappointing or tedious and one that is destructive and abusive. Remember that abuse is about power and control and ownership and the systematic tearing down of another person.
NEVER ASSUME. Never assume that because someone tells you the tip of the iceberg that you know the whole story. Listen carefully, get clarification, and say tenderly, "Tell me more."
Leslie Vernick wrote a wonderful piece in one of her columns that explains the differences between a difficult, disappointing and destructive marriage.
Do you see the difference?
Domestic Abuse Misconception #4: All marriages go through difficult times. What she is calling abuse is just a rough patch that she needs to push through and get over.
This is probably one of the most damaging misconceptions out there because it minimizes the abuse and calls it something it isn't. It is absolutely horrifying and demeaning and heartbreaking for a victim to finally have the courage to speak up and be honest about what she is experiencing only to have people tell her, "Oh, everybody goes through hard times."
There is a huge difference between a marriage that is, at times or even most of the time, stressful, difficult, disappointing or tedious and one that is destructive and abusive. Remember that abuse is about power and control and ownership and the systematic tearing down of another person.
NEVER ASSUME. Never assume that because someone tells you the tip of the iceberg that you know the whole story. Listen carefully, get clarification, and say tenderly, "Tell me more."
Leslie Vernick wrote a wonderful piece in one of her columns that explains the differences between a difficult, disappointing and destructive marriage.
Do you see the difference?
Wednesday, October 3, 2018
Domestic Abuse Misconception #3
(Note: In all of my posts I use "he" for abuser and "she" for victim for simplicity and because, in the majority of cases, the abuser is male. But it can be the opposite with a female abuser. Dynamics of abuse can also happen in same sex relationships.)
Domestic Abuse Misconception #3: Abuse is a relationship problem that can be fixed with couples counseling. This idea is incredibly prevalent, the thought being that they just need to learn how to own their own junk and take responsibility for their own crap and learn to get along.
Nope! Nope! Nope!
Couples counseling is NEVER recommended where abuse is present. Why? Because abuse is not a relationship problem. It is an abuse problem. There is a power imbalance within the relationship that the abuser is dead set on maintaining at all costs. The abuser doesn't abuse because the victim is irritating or dysfunctional in some way (we all are). The abuser abuses because he wants power and control above all else and he feels jolly well entitled to it.
Most victims seeking help have often already tried couples counseling, often with disastrous results. Just as the abuser seeks to maintain control in the home and in the relationship, he seeks to maintain control in the counseling as well, often even snowing the counselor. (Not all counselors are well trained in the dynamics of domestic abuse, a post for another day.) And if the victim speaks up and is honest with the counselor in front of the abuser, she will pay for it.
Victims need safe, one-on-one counseling with a counselor who is well versed in abuse. Abusers need a very different kind of program and high accountability. But they never, ever should be seen together to try to get them to work things out. It won't work and will end up doing more damage.
This article explains it well.
Domestic Abuse Misconception #3: Abuse is a relationship problem that can be fixed with couples counseling. This idea is incredibly prevalent, the thought being that they just need to learn how to own their own junk and take responsibility for their own crap and learn to get along.
Nope! Nope! Nope!
Couples counseling is NEVER recommended where abuse is present. Why? Because abuse is not a relationship problem. It is an abuse problem. There is a power imbalance within the relationship that the abuser is dead set on maintaining at all costs. The abuser doesn't abuse because the victim is irritating or dysfunctional in some way (we all are). The abuser abuses because he wants power and control above all else and he feels jolly well entitled to it.
Most victims seeking help have often already tried couples counseling, often with disastrous results. Just as the abuser seeks to maintain control in the home and in the relationship, he seeks to maintain control in the counseling as well, often even snowing the counselor. (Not all counselors are well trained in the dynamics of domestic abuse, a post for another day.) And if the victim speaks up and is honest with the counselor in front of the abuser, she will pay for it.
Victims need safe, one-on-one counseling with a counselor who is well versed in abuse. Abusers need a very different kind of program and high accountability. But they never, ever should be seen together to try to get them to work things out. It won't work and will end up doing more damage.
This article explains it well.
Tuesday, October 2, 2018
Domestic Abuse Misconception #2
(Note: In all of my posts I use "he" for abuser and "she" for victim for simplicity and because, in the majority of cases, the abuser is male. But it can be the opposite with a female abuser. Dynamics of abuse can also happen in same sex relationships.)
Domestic Abuse Misconception #2: If it isn't physical, it isn't abuse. This may be one of the most common ideas out there. There are professionals who believe it. There are friends and family who believe it. There are victims themselves who believe it.
The truth is that abuse doesn't have to be physical to be abuse. In fact, physical abuse is just one way, one way an abuser maintains control over his victim. There can be financial abuse, sexual abuse and, yes, even spiritual abuse. And the common thread through all of them will be emotional abuse. Because you can't reduce your intimate partner to your possession to be ruled and controlled and manipulated without intense emotional abuse.
Emotional abuse is massively damaging, more so even than physical abuse, Family and friends may not see it. The victim herself may not see it. There is no reason to call the police. No reason to visit the emergency room. No visible evidence of the destruction being done to her very being.
Emotional abuse is often called "crazymaking," because the back and forth and mixed messages and gaslighting all go hand in hand to keep the victim walking on eggshells and doubting her own sanity. In fact, most victims of emotional abuse wish that there were some physical abuse so that they would have a tangible reason for their pain. More women attempt suicide to escape emotional abuse because there seems so little hope for another way out.
This link talks about the various forms of abuse and at the bottom is a chart and each tab will bring up examples of that kind of abuse. Take a look. You might be surprised.
Domestic Abuse Misconception #2: If it isn't physical, it isn't abuse. This may be one of the most common ideas out there. There are professionals who believe it. There are friends and family who believe it. There are victims themselves who believe it.
The truth is that abuse doesn't have to be physical to be abuse. In fact, physical abuse is just one way, one way an abuser maintains control over his victim. There can be financial abuse, sexual abuse and, yes, even spiritual abuse. And the common thread through all of them will be emotional abuse. Because you can't reduce your intimate partner to your possession to be ruled and controlled and manipulated without intense emotional abuse.
Emotional abuse is massively damaging, more so even than physical abuse, Family and friends may not see it. The victim herself may not see it. There is no reason to call the police. No reason to visit the emergency room. No visible evidence of the destruction being done to her very being.
Emotional abuse is often called "crazymaking," because the back and forth and mixed messages and gaslighting all go hand in hand to keep the victim walking on eggshells and doubting her own sanity. In fact, most victims of emotional abuse wish that there were some physical abuse so that they would have a tangible reason for their pain. More women attempt suicide to escape emotional abuse because there seems so little hope for another way out.
This link talks about the various forms of abuse and at the bottom is a chart and each tab will bring up examples of that kind of abuse. Take a look. You might be surprised.